Reflections

We are entering birthday madness in our family with me, hubby's mum, daughter, hubby and friends within a month of one another. This is the time I reflect on the year and also life as a hole. 

As I look back over my life I think back to a mid teen girl who made a promise to herself of no regrets. I promised myself that I never wanted to regret not doing something because of fear or lack of self confidence. 15 plus years later I am no where near what I thought I be: married for over ten years, two amazing kids, living in America and having taught high school and so much more. There are aspects I don't want to live again but I would not trade them for anything. And so far no regrets. I have not not done something because of fear and I am the better for it. Many times I have felt scared but with a pray before hand I have gone forward. I have made some amazing friends and had some fantastic times. I hope that I can help my children to do the same. As my little girl approaches 1 it amazes me how already her personality is shining through in her cheeky self. She is stilly toothless wonder but we are close. She has got just over a week to get a tooth for her first birthday. She is in a way like me where in new places or with new people we watch and learn but once we know you and feel comfortable the fun, cheeky person comes out. I hope she isn't has shy as I was and has a little more self confidence than me. My boy I can already tell is not as shy as me which is great. Watching him with his sister is amazing. The love and adoration between them makes me smile and is a blessing I am so grateful for. Watching him hug his sister and say "I love you so much" warms a mother's heart in a way I never knew. I pray that it continues as it grows up. Our family has changed so much in the last year and I am so thankful and blessed I am interested to see where God takes us next. 

A mission of memories.

I have decided in this Christmas season it is a time for memories. I want to create moments that fuse together into a happy childhood for my children. My son is now getting to an age where he can remember things. With an infant I am aware that I am limited. But I want to create memories and maybe traditions also.

So this year I decided to make cards with my four year old. In the past I have created things that take time and I get upset when they fail or look horrible. So this year I went simple. I bought some foam stickers in a Christmas theme and used some blank cards. We then spent a happy hour sticking stickers and creating pictures with them. On thanksgiving weekend while everyone was out grabbing deals we made salt dough ornaments. My son had a great afternoon painting them and then the next day sticking sparkle on them. I hope that we can try and do this every year.

I have realized that I want to also be intentional when it is not just Christmas. But for that things need to be simple and quick. I have tried trips to the library which is easy, close and free. There are then trips to the zoo. They take more planning but can be great fun. But for those days of little sleep I have found puzzle time a good thing to do. It can be done at any point my little girl naps. The other thing is making cakes. Box cakes are easy and quick. It is time together and if fun to lick the bowl and then eat the cake. All of these things are easy for me to do. They are simple but can be come harder with adding of extra tasks etc as my children go.

Through all of this I have learned that something is better than nothing. Quick is great and simple is wonderful. This is something I can do easily. I just need to be intentional and remember that tv has its place but so does baking cakes, puzzle time. All of these together make a great childhood.

Motherhood

I know there was a time before little miss and even a time before my medium guy (he told us that he is no longer little but medium). But it hardly seems real. I have the occasional memory of life before kids, of a freedom to go out when I want, to not have to plan about going out for dinner or even going to the grocery store. There then are also the faint memories of life with just one child, where even then you could pop out to the store without to much worry. But now with a bouncing four year old and an infant life is planned around sleep (or lack of), feedings and diaper changes. It is a challenge of time given to the all demanding infant and the needs if a four year old.


My little miss has been with us for nearly 5 months. She wants to be in on all the action, to watch what her big brother is doing. She can briefly sit by herself until the turn of a head or that sneeze sends her toppling towards the floor. She watches every mouth full of food wanting to try anything and everything whether she should or not. In just 5 months she has placed herself in our family and our hearts to where I can no longer imagine our family without her. Her brother enjoys talking for her and discussing what foods to eat and whether mummy is silly.
In the middle of the night when I am getting up for the 4th time I do long for sleep. But the joy of a second child is that as long as the days and the weeks seem I know that this time will pass.

All I need now is to get 6 hours of sleep in one go and maybe I can feel human again. That is my Christmas wish that my little miss will sleep and sleep well on a regular basis.

The Emotions of a Mother

I am amazed how much time has gone since my little girl was born. I have found that now as a mother of two my emotions have more than doubled. The love for my kids has grown more than ever. However the day to day emotions have surprised me. I lurch from success, to living to just basic survival. As I walk the path of motherhood I find some days I am embracing memories as we make Christmas decorations, create pinecone turkeys and go to the zoo. There are other days where we just want to make it to bedtime without us falling apart. Sleep has become short and at times patience is shorter. But through it all I want my children to remember the love and the fun. To grow up and talk about the salt dough decorations we made for family and friends, the Christmas cards, trips to the zoo as well as the cuddles on the sofa, stories read and movies watch.

Clothes

Recently I purchased a washing line. It stands on a tripod outside and I can take it down whenever I am not using it. I wanted to try and reduce the amount of energy we use in the house and also I remembered that I always loved the smell of laundry dried outside. It has a scent that no matter what softener you use. I have found that since drying my washing outside two things have happened. 1) Laundry is no longer as stressful as I once found it and 2) it allows me and my son to spend some time together and he gets to help. The less stressful comes as something as a surprise to me. However since I am now hanging it outside I am doing laundry over a few days rather than one day and as I take the laundry down I fold and sort as I go along which means at the end of the processes all I have to do is put it away. I have washed diapers, new baby clothes, bedding and everything else and the dryer has sat empty for 2 weeks. I know that come the winter I will once again use the dryer when the weather is bad or it is too cold to be hanging stuff out. But for now I will enjoy this small pleasure. I also enjoy getting my son to help out., He helps gets me the pegs and passes them to me or takes them back and it often results in him playing outside for a while afterwards. I hope that I am still able to continue this once my little girl arrives. I want to take the moment to enjoy the little things in life and that includes laundry whenever possible.

A two year review!

For the last two years I have been working mother. I have had to juggle my new career of teaching a long with motherhood. Making decisions between spending time with my son to making sure I have clean washing and food on the table has been hard. I now have the opportunity to stay at home for a year with this little girl and my boy. I am left wondering how this year will go. No longer do I have to worry about lesson planning but now I have to worry about diapers and other such things.

My last two years of teaching has taught me a lot about myself and also kids. The need to be accepted, be challenged and acknowledge for what they have and can achieve.  I have realised that I can try and to be perfect and fall under a heap of horror or I can try my best and pray that it will be ok. I have learned to rely on God and know that whatever happens it is his plan. Just as it was God's plan I went back to work at the time I did and got my teaching certificate, it is also God's plan that I now stay home with my little girl and my son. God's plan beyond that, well only God knows and I am ok with that. For now I want to enjoy the summer , met my little girl and spend some much needed quality time with my kids.

Eight weeks

Eight weeks, really that is like a long holiday in the sun over the summer really. In one way it feels forever but in another you blink and it is gone. Eight weeks was about how long I was away last summer when we took the little guy to England and then on to Ghana. Eight weeks .......... that is how long it is until a small bundle will appear for the first time, I am sure there will be screaming from her but for me I am sure just that moment of "Oh my I have a girl" will be what sticks with me.  I feel that with only eight weeks left I should be getting organized and figuring out what it is I need to be doing and what I need to be buying. But really I find I am just "Well everything will sort itself out" I have a car seat so I can get her out of the hospital. I have my cloth diapers from last time although in the beginning I am sure that I will be using disposables. I intend to nurse so therefore there is not the need to have millions of bottles although a couple on stand by would be good. I know that I have a pack and play for her to sleep in at the beginning somewhere in the house. So I guess I am kind of ready. Sometimes I wonder if I am in a kind of denial about it all.

I remember so many things about the time when my little guy was little although it was four years ago. I remember those first few days back from the hospital thinking how did anyone ever survive. But I also remember the coming weeks of lets get this show on the road and taking everything as it came and refusing to worry about things. I hope that I can be like that for this little girl. I don't want to worry about feeding and sleep patterns because she doesn't do as the doctors says. I can now cling to the knowledge that her brother never did what the doctor said either and he turned out just fine.  I pray that this transition can be as smooth as possible but I promise I will remember that these things will pass and one day I will watch her dig in the dirt just like I do with her brother.

Provider

This pregnancy has been a hard one so far. Tiredness and pain along with fainting and limited activity requests from the doctor I can find myself falling into a blob. But then I look around me and see God's provision in this. This year I have my own classroom that means I am able to set it up with equipment that means I can teach sitting down most of the time. I also have been blessed by some amazing friends who really are my family away from home. God may not have me in my ideal situation but he has placed around me ideal people ready to carry out his will in serving me. People today claim that there are no miracles or angels but they just miss the angels in front of them willing to serve and I am now realising that I need to allow God to work through these people. Sometimes you just have to allow the angels to appear rather than trying to do it all yourself. God does provide, we just sometimes don't let him or those he has asked actually provide.

16 weeks and counting....

16 weeks pregnant and I find myself looking back over my life and being amazed. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be. Some dreams have been put down for new ones, others have been placed to the side in the hopes that one day they will be able to be fulfilled.

As I teach my students I look at them when life seems so restricted as you can't do this and can't do that but in many ways it is when you are the most free. Yet the choices they will make in the next few years will define a lot of who they are.

I know my teenage years have defined me but not in stone. For one I would never have dreamed that I would be a teacher or be living in the US. I guess you never can know what God has planned for you.

As I look at my little boy and also begin to feel my baby move I know that I want to teach them that sure you can plan but you should also embrace the curve ball that can be thrown. I just want my kids to know that God will always be in control and will only take one dream away to replace it with an even better one.

Suprise!

It has been so long since I have written and I believe part of that is over the last couple of months I have been getting over the shock, exhaustion and the sickness of being pregnant. I know when this baby arrives I will love it so much but for now this baby is the surprise of 2012.

This pregnancy has been harder mainly because I am working but also my body I feel knows what is coming and so is kind of well lets just get ready and get on it. This school year is going to be a long year as I am not due till July.

God is in all of this as he is the one that organized this surprised. Now I need to trust him on where we as a family will go when it comes to care for my new born to how I will just get to the end of the school year.

Working Mother's Guilt

As a working mother I am in a constant battle with time. I am sure all mothers are as I know before I worked there was always a lack of time and I can now say that as someone who works full time for 10 months of a year time becomes even more of a battle. There is time to work, time to clean, cook, grocery shop and then there is your time to spend with your husband and child. Then if you want to see friends or family outside of everything that is another thing to add on. I know that I need to schedule my little better as this school year things have been tough as my family are the ones that have suffered. As a mother I think that the guilt at times can be a good thing as it has made me look over what I have been doing in my life. But this guilt can be a bad thing when it dominates your life stopping your from doing anything. So I need to look at my time and set boundaries and I need to be realistic. Planning on 4 hours of playtime with my son every day will in turn just set me up for failure. But a 30 minute block of activity before dinner of play with my son is a do able thing. December we start swim lessons but this month what about painting and crafts or imaginary play. Then I can say that one weekend day is a no work day. Once a month we aim to go out to something be it a local event or a friends house but something that is not normal. I need to restore my life and balance. God has been present which I believe is why I am able to see this guilt for what it is. God is blessing me daily as I survive this school year. But where he will take me by the end of it I don't know. Currently I don't even know if I will be teaching next school year but whatever it is I know that God has plan and as long as I listen to him our family will be fine!

Potty Rewards

Since my little man has started the potty training many rewards have traveled his way. After the pee pee was mastered it was onto the poop and the reward given was a monster truck. After about 8 monster trucks we switched to cars and after that candy.

Last weekend me and my husband decided that we wanted to trade in our car for a bigger one. We went and got a nice deal on a SUV. I called home and we were talking about the new car. When asked why we got a new one my little man pipped up " Because Mummy pooped in the toilet." Cars are the reward after all.

I feel this is a moment I will smile and giggle about for a while.

Lots of firsts!

In the last month lots of firsts have occurred. The first was that my little boy is now going on the potty. I have started a new school year teaching a new subject Algebra 1 and also my little baby is now going to school three mornings a week.

Life has now become busy and this month me and my hubby have been married for 10 years. So because of this I arranged another first and that was a sleep over for my little boy. As he went off to spend the night with a friend me and my hubby for the first time since this little man entered our lives went away for a night.

We eat by the marina and drink some wine, stayed up late without the worry of the sound of feet at 7 in the morning. Mt little boy had a great time at his friends and I have now been able to tell him that he can be a big boy like his friend if he poops on the potty too. My little guy now is the proud owner of a red monster truck for going poop on the potty and although he has done it a couple of times before this time I hope that it will be the start of many as he was so proud of himself.

Around the World and back again

We are now back on US soil. Ghana was amazing as my little guy got to meet his other Grandparents for the first time. We visited so many family members it was wonderful as we all got to place faces with names. The weather was not too hot and although I got eaten by the local insects no one else did.

Over the summer I have reflected a lot on about the fact I have now gone back to work. In many ways this summer has made it all worth while as we would have not been able to do it. Six weeks away for me and the little guy with family creating memories is something I am willing to work for. I just need to cling onto this memories as I go through the next year.

I found this summer interesting as I watched my baby turn more and more into a boy. He took all the upheaval well as we switched time zones countries and planes. I however was one of those parents that had the screaming child at landing time. I got the stares and the looks like I was some how going to be able to calm the 3 year old even though I cannot hold them, cuddle. put on a DVD or anything else. But I survived and so did he. My little boy has learned more language and has also become more cuddly. I know that this might not last for ever so I am taking advantage while I can. Soon the summer is coming to an end and life will once again fall into the regular pattern of work, and home. But through it all I want to remember the happy memories, and places of the summer. The time spent with family is priceless. We have done Crazy golf, Zoo's, theme parks, botanical gardens, castles, fish and chips. I have many photos to remind me of it and to remind my little guy anytime he wants a trip down memory lane.

Gingerbread and bean pods

These last few weeks have been amazing in England. My little man has relished the play time and attention with grandparents and cousins. We have been to beaches, theme parks and also a zoo. We have looked and ridden on trains, buses and cars. What more can a little boy want.

We have spent a day at the zoo looking at animals that we don't have in the zoo near us and riding in the monorail. Going through butterfly houses and bat caves. We have then been to a theme park where we rode on caterpillars and dragons as well as trains and Ferris wheels. We have also got the the train to go down town to see cousins and gone to park and slide down ever slide there is.

Today was a quieter day but it still involved in decorating gingerbread men and than battling Granddad with bean pods. So many memories and so much fun. I know that this will be a summer to remember for me and hopefully him too.

Summer thoughts.

The summer has arrived in our household and with it this year has come trips to see the family on both sides. Currently we are in England visiting with my family. The more I am here the more I think about life back in the US and question is it home? I have also been reflecting on the situations we have focused on this year and the conclusions I have come to.

Since being here in the UK I have come to realise that this is a country that just makes more sense to me than the US ever will. I went to ASDA the other day and my mum found it very amusing how at every turn I commented on things like crisps, cakes, chocolates, biscuits and anything that I cannot find in the US which buy the time we had finished felt like the whole store. I may have lived in the US for over 6 years but I just find that I fit in here in the UK better. The people look like me. To some that statement sounds weird as how can a white woman not fit in in the US, but there is just something about American women that is not like UK women. I can't quite place my finger on it but I feel more at home in my skin this side of the water. I confess I do wonder whether I will ever have the feeling about the US as I do about the UK. I also wonder as my little boy runs around playing with Grandma and Granddad and his cousins whether he will grow into having a fondness for the UK or whether he will look to the US for this. I hope for him that he can look to the US and the UK and Ghana as home.

I know that by the end of this summer my little boy will be a very spoiled little boy. We have taken him to the beach and it was typical british weather in the high 60s. My little boy however had a blast running about and squashing any sand castle attempt made by me or my dad. It is through this that I realised I want to create memories. Memories of fun and laughter, of family. Being so far away from family means the time we get together is precious. I long to come home to England but I have realised that this is not just about it being in the country it is because of the memories. The memories of dad writing Dad is handsome on the beach and me either rubbing it out or writing NOT. It is about the walks and the laughs in the local parks that happen to be near old historical houses. It is about eating fish and chips after a fun day out and catching up with the weeks, months or years news. It is about that feeling you have when you go somewhere and it just gives you that happy feeling. I may not remember the exact memory but I know I was happy whether it was running through the rain or picnics near the lake. I hope that I am able to give this precious gift to my son. I want him to feel this about the US, UK and Ghana, memories and happiness. I know that too give this to my son I need to make sure that I stop and smell the roses. Picnics and time at the beach are not expensive they just take time. I need to make sure that I take the time to create the memories.

Working Mum

I am now coming to the end of my first year back at work since having my son. As a mother I confess I had many ideas and judgments on working mothers. Not necessarily all bad, but I had ideas on what it would be like and how as a mother you must feel. So after a year of working some of those ideas have been confirmed others not.
Before working I would feel guilty over not having a clean house and making sure I was doing educational stuff with my little boy. Now I feel guilty over feeling tired after the end of day and not having the laundry done at the end of the week. Each week is a matter of survival and by the grace of God I do just that. Looking back over the year I have achieved more than I thought I ever could. With a three year old, evening classes, course work and my first year of teaching special education and all the paper work that goes with it I am still standing and my family still know who I am.
Schedules have become a lot more busy and some of the more pleasant moments in life have had to take a side step as I have juggled, wife, mother, home manager and everything else with it. I struggle with time between my husband, my son, myself and God. Sometimes you wonder how you can fit everything in. Whether I have time or energy I must buy groceries and do laundry. I at some point need to clean bathrooms and tidy up. But through the year I have been able to understand priorities in life. My house is not as tidy as it used to be but my son still gets excited when he seems me and tells me about his day. My heart longs to be with my son all day but I know that he is happy and doing well as he plays with friends.
Through all the year I have had to deal with guilt of not being with my son, for not being able to clean my house when I should. But God has allowed me to be successful and my family to be happy over the year. I know next year I need to be better with my goals and priorities but God will meet me where I am at and will show strength in my weakness.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day in America. I got breakfast in bed and then taken out for lunch after church. The best part however was when my little guy laid his head on me and said "but I love you so much mummy." My heart melted. It is amazing how such a tiny thing can take over your life so completely and yet you are totally OK with it. I can't believe how big my little boy is. Each new day holds something new whether it is tears because we have missed our nap or giggles over something funny. I would not swap this for anything that is for sure.

THREE

On Monday my little boy turn THREE!! I can hardly believe it. Over the weekend we had a little party that was great fun for all. My little boy had his friends over or hot dog's and cake. I did make a blue train cake but I must confess it wasn't completely like Thomas. The afternoon was interesting as during nap time there was no sleeping. My little guy found a tub of diaper cream. About 35 minutes later a cry of Mummy dragged me upstairs. "I do mess" Diaper cream was over the shirt, hands and hair. As my little one led me into the room I found his diaper table painted with diaper cream. I look forward to the next year of development and fun as my little boy grows up.

Nearly Three

This the month that my little guy turns 3. I can't really believe it. Over the last few months we have been to the Zoo and I think my little guy enjoyed running up and down the ramp in the bird house than anything else. Although we did see the panda and the elephant and the gorillas which where very good to. This weekend my little guy had a friend who also turned 3 and had his birthday at a fire station and so all of the kids got to sit in the fire truck. My little guy was in little boy heaven.