Summer Memories

So often throughout the school year I would question the time I spend away from my children. As most mothers I struggled with the guilt of not being there when they went to school, not being able to volunteer at school events. Not being able to go places every weekend as things like laundry and house cleaning have to be done. But as I look back on this summer I know that it was worth it.

We have rolled down hills and admired the house of Lyme park. Watched the deer and played games on the great lawn. Feed the ducks and ate sandwiches in the sun.

My boy explore the house a Speke and me and my little girl played on the lawn. Traveling round the gardens and playing on the slides. Not to mention ice cream.

We have built dens with branches and climbed on trees. Squashed sand castles on the beach and played in the dirt at the Grandparents house. We have spent time with cousins and aunts, traveled Southport and rode the train. The kids have had adventures on their own with Grandma and Granddad while I went to London with a friend. The summer has been backed with memories from the great to the small.

I am sure that I will feel the same sadness as I leave my children to go to work but as I look back over the summer and know the adventures we have had I know that it was all worth it. For this way my children will be able to call England their home just as I do.

The little things

I was reminded tonight that it is the little things that mean the most. Tonight I was tired. I had been at school all day, then I had finally managed to get in a little horse riding. After feeding the kids and then walking into the living room to find it trashed I was done. I had nothing left. There were pillows, toys and food all over the floor. It had happen in about 30 minutes as hurricane two kids had occurred. So after some stern words about not wanting to live in a dump we started to clean up. The toys were picked pull, the pillows placed on the sofa. As I roll out the hoover I realized I had a choice. (I wish I always had this for thought) I could shout and yell to get it done or we could have some fun. So I chased my two kids round the living room screaming like the best of them. This then lead to another 45 minutes of tickle and chase and jump on mummy. So often I get lost in the everyday life. But when I think back to childhood it is the little moments of fun that happened that I remember most. I just pray that I can give that to my children so they can think back and remember the smiles, the laughter, the tickles and the love. 

That's me!!

Tonight I was in the guess room making the bed. I decided to take my phone and play some music. My two shadows soon could find no better place to be than in that room. My little girl was shaking and stretching as much as she could facing the mirrored door. Suddenly she really looked in the mirror. She pulled out her paci and grinned, then put it back in again. She repeated this several times. Each time grinning from hear to hear. She turned to look at me with sheer wonder across her face of "that's me". She proceed to dance for several minutes busting out every move she could while watching herself. We all ended up giggling. 

Guilt filled parenting.

Guilt is a powerful emotion. It has its place and can tell you when you have done wrong but it also an emotion that can cause you to be paralyzed in your life. You can be unable to enjoy the moment because you feel guilty about the last. Guilt filled parenting is flooding the world. Every parent has guilt because we believe that we aren't doing things right.  We feel guiltily about shouting, missing moments and not doing activities. We compare ourselves endlessly to other parents and only see what they are doing right and fail to see there own struggles and often their own guilty emotions. As mothers and fathers we are caught from all sides. Parents yelling out there opinions as though it is the law. Parents hearing the opinions and then feeling guilty for not doing it. Mothers feel guilty because they go to work and leave there children at home or daycare. We feel guilty because we can't spend all that time with our kids and miss out on so much. We then feel guilty because we still need me time and taking that means more time away from the kids. Mothers at home can feel guilty because they should be doing so much more, they want to do activities but because they are on one income their budget is limited. They feel guilty because since they are at home they should have all the Martha Stewart things down whilst providing a delightful home cooked meal and immaculate house. Then you look at schooling and you feel guilt over that. The heated debates and emotional driven arguments only add to the flames, of whether you should be sending your kids to school; public, private or at home. Each side is convinced they are right and at times will beat the other until they are left feeling horrible.
I guess part of the problem is every parent knows that what they are deciding on is life changing and will impact their child. Some parents out of guilt allow their child to get what they want and do what they want. Some parents never allow independence, failure. Others are so free the child is left spinning
As a mother of two small children who works outside of the home I am filled with guilt. I feel guilty because I come home tired and unable to be that perfect mother. I feel guilty because I cannot pick up my child from school and attend every function. I feel guilty because my house is a mess and not they way I like it. Twice a week I take a little me time and go horse riding. A moment of just me but afterwards I feel I should have been at home. I beat myself up because I am not doing arts and crafts 5 times a week. reading endless books and allow my children to watch more than the recommended amount of TV. I feel guilty of discipline because then even the little time I have with them, I am being the mean mother. All I often see, is the I should and the I don't. What I need to see is the I have and I do. I need to see and remember the Saturday morning moments when we all pile in the bed and cuddle and play. I need to see how my son always wants to tell me what is happening in school. The fact that two children run to me when I get home from work. The trips we do make to the park, the library. The effort and time we take to see all our family even though they live in other countries. The memories they will have of trips to see Grandma and Granddad. Time with friends and after-school activities. I know that working outside of the home has its downfalls but I need to know that because of that we get to travel to family as well as other things. Being a teacher I also get all the holidays off with my kids. Three days for Thanksgiving, over a week at Christmas, Spring break (Easter) and of course 2 wonderful months off in the summer.
As parents we need to remember we are doing our best. Each family is walking the line of what works for them and which ever way we look there is something that we are not doing. Sometimes we can change it but if takes work and time. We need to not feel guilty when we fail as after all we are only human and it is also humans we are raising. These children are beautiful gifts that we get to watch and help. There is a huge amount of responsibility that comes with these children but when we do things wrong and fail we need to not let the guilt get us. When we make a decision we need to remember that we made it for the best reasons and not feel guilty afterwards. As parents we must strive to enjoy the moment to remember the good. To not let guilt over things we cannot change to hold us back. Each night I plan to hug my children and tell them I love them. But if one night I work late and miss that moment I need to not feel guilty because they still know I love them. As a mother I look at my mother and marvel and who she was as a mother. My mother may remember the bad and have the guilt of what she did or did not do but I remember the love and the happiness. The funny memories and the cuddles.

The working mum.

I hate the phrase working mum. For one I don't know a mother who does not work. When I work outside the home it is someone's job to look after my children. I pay them to wipe there noses, feed them, change their diaper and pick them up. So if I am at home I am working too. I also dislike the phrase working mother because often it gives the impression that I don't see my kids and I am inactive in their lives due to working outside of the home. 

So many assumptions are made towards parents often focused at the mother. The worst culprits are often mothers. We think things like "well if that was my child I would ...... ( fill in the blank). As parents we judge other parents because in our mind what they are doing is crazy. Now we could be right in a sense if I decided to do something with the type of person that I am and the situation I am in, of no family near by it probably is. But those parents aren't me. We parents have some strong opinions on how we raise our children to even how many everyone should have. I have two children at one point I wasn't sure if I would have more. People where horrified that I would not have at least two. Being an only child I was a little offended. I can say the thought of having more than two gives me the shakes. So when others say they want more my first thought is 'You're mad!!' But that is because I place myself as having more. But when I often step back at look at them as they are it makes sense. 

I am a mother who works away from home. I try hard to balance time at work with me time, kid time, hubby time, family time, and running house. I believe that this is the right thing for my family. I have thought about the pluses, the minuses and the not sure. I have prayed about it and felt this was the path to go. At the end of the day as a mum I want what is best for my children. Everyday is filled with questions and I have to give an answer. There is always a hot topic as your kids grow it starts from the moment they exist. Cry it out or not? Organic? Stay at home? Daycare? Nanny? Home school? Public school? And so it goes on. For all those big things I pray we got it right for us. I know something will be wrong so I pray to God knowing he is bigger than all of this and can make it right.

I pray most of all that my children know I love them. That they remember the fun times. I pray the grow up to be people with compassion, love, kindness and forgiveness in their hearts. That they will be successful however it turns out. 

New stages

Life has changed so much over the last month or two. My little girl has turned one. And has started walking. I am going back to work for the next school year. This year at home has been challenging and wonderful. I have been able to be there for so many firsts. As we move into a new stage of life I am looking forward to watching my kids grow together. Big brother who continues to adore little sister, first words, new job, first day at school for my boy. So much to come. 

Reflections

We are entering birthday madness in our family with me, hubby's mum, daughter, hubby and friends within a month of one another. This is the time I reflect on the year and also life as a hole. 

As I look back over my life I think back to a mid teen girl who made a promise to herself of no regrets. I promised myself that I never wanted to regret not doing something because of fear or lack of self confidence. 15 plus years later I am no where near what I thought I be: married for over ten years, two amazing kids, living in America and having taught high school and so much more. There are aspects I don't want to live again but I would not trade them for anything. And so far no regrets. I have not not done something because of fear and I am the better for it. Many times I have felt scared but with a pray before hand I have gone forward. I have made some amazing friends and had some fantastic times. I hope that I can help my children to do the same. As my little girl approaches 1 it amazes me how already her personality is shining through in her cheeky self. She is stilly toothless wonder but we are close. She has got just over a week to get a tooth for her first birthday. She is in a way like me where in new places or with new people we watch and learn but once we know you and feel comfortable the fun, cheeky person comes out. I hope she isn't has shy as I was and has a little more self confidence than me. My boy I can already tell is not as shy as me which is great. Watching him with his sister is amazing. The love and adoration between them makes me smile and is a blessing I am so grateful for. Watching him hug his sister and say "I love you so much" warms a mother's heart in a way I never knew. I pray that it continues as it grows up. Our family has changed so much in the last year and I am so thankful and blessed I am interested to see where God takes us next.